"Blythe Carlyle felt pre-party flutters directly behind her belly button. It was ten minutes before she got into her families custom made limousine, and cruised down park avenue, to the Vanity Fair opening party, and she still hadn’t decided on what earrings to wear with her floor length, Grecian inspired Theia evening gown. Her heart skipped a beat when she heard her mother, Olivia Carlyle, knock loudly on the door. Blythe! Come down, Ivan is waiting!”, she yelled through the closed door, her hand still on the diamond encrusted knob. “Okay, Mom! I’m coming!”, she responded. Blythe knew Ivan, her driver of six years, wouldn’t have a problem waiting a few minutes. She quickly rummaged through her custom made wooden and ruby covered jewelry box for the diamond drop earrings she had just recently gotten for her sixteenth birthday. Once she slid them in, took one last glance in her Kallista vanity, and gracefully made her way through the hall of the huge penthouse apartment that her family owned."
tenth grade,
By: Amanda!
About the Author:
ruby earrings
Uh…. random .
Its okay i guess.
2012 Obam Polls
it’s interesting
it’s really detailed and kept my attention….tell her its really good.
MattBreedenNow
i think it would be an interestin book
Obama News
She needs to redo quite a bit of it. The entire paragraph is filled with run-on sentences. Assuming this is for an English assignment, she’ll get a lower grade just for that alone. Tell her to re-read it and check her punctuation. Cutting out a lot of the “and” will help quite a bit.
Golf Advice
Just be careful with the run-ons, ponctuation and excess description. For what grade level it is supposed to be?
CNN
The first sentence could grab the reader’s attention a little better though. How about “Blythe’s pre-party flutters made her stomach feel very twisted as she was very nervous for the party.”
Other than that, it’s alright.
Obama Polls
I like it. Tell her to keep up the good work.
Obama Polls
It’s all right.
It’s not great, though.
There are a lot of run-on sentences. You need to expand how many syllables your sentences have. You can’t keep having, like, 15 syllables every sentence. (Not saying your friend does.)
Your friend also has some punctuation errors. “Okay, Mom! I’m coming!”, she responded, isn’t correct. It should be “Okay, Mom! I’m coming!” she responded. Without the comma.
Other than those errors, your friend’s writing is very detailed and nice.
(For some reason – I don’t know what makes me think this – but I think your “friend” is you. xD)